Mindful listening tips from a Relationship expert

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Mindful listening   

When we become good at active mindful listening, we improve the quality of our relationships.

Mindful listening is part of focusing on improving communication skills to deepen connections and reduce stress.

The most common issue I hear couples complain about is ‘communication’ and that ‘conflict’ is tearing them apart!

A lot of the time, what is happening is they are fighting to be right.

Do you HAVE TO be RIGHT? At what cost?

We can fight to be right.

I’d rather be happy!

We can let them be wrong, or even better let them be right and lose our ego.

Everything you ever wanted is exactly on the other side of your fear and your comfort zone and your ego.

Your ego is protecting you, yet what you don’t know is that your ego still thinks you're maybe 7 years old, 4 yrs old etc! Your ego is filtering all ‘perceived’ emotional attacks and using long ago learned coping strategies to protect your inner world, to manage your insecurities in the present timeline by using immature perspectives.

We are children in adult bodies wanting to get things our way! To have our outer world suit our needs.

Letting go of your ego can benefit by fostering better collaboration, enhancing your listening abilities, opens opportunities for creating compromise and improves decision-making.

Become self aware of how you are being and what you are doing

So, you want to have that difficult conversation or resolve an argument, it takes maturity and emotional regulation. Having mindful communication begins with becoming aware of yourself.

Your communication impacts your conflict style. When you become aware of how you are contributing, you can change how you ‘do’ conflict and thus reduce your stress.

This begins with you taking responsibility for yourself. Be reflective and work through your emotions before you approach speaking about the issue. This is how you learn to understand yourself and get clarity on what to communicate to your partner.

● What ‘meaning’ have you put to this issue?

● What part of this issue are you connected to at an emotional level?

● What are those emotions?

● What are your emotions telling you?

● Does your partner know what it means to you?

● How do you know they know?

Active listening requires you to be curious, non-judgemental, respectful and be open to understanding others perspectives. That’s why it is important to have processed your emotions first, to the best of your ability.

Listening Is About Being Present

The very process of understanding yourself gives you a framework of how to be curious about other people's inner worlds.

When we give ourselves the opportunity to listen better, ask open ended questions and capture all the information, we gain a better understanding and have a better quality conversation. That’s how we nurture emotional intimacy.

Listening without distractions around us (such as phones, TV, kids, laptops), helps us navigate and connect. The biggest culprit these days is our phones. Put them down, there is nothing urgent enough that needs your attention that isn’t going to be there when you pick up your phone again!

What is important is being in the now - Turn towards them and give your ‘undivided attention’ with eye contact and presence. When we ignore or are not really paying attention, it is felt, and when this behaviour is common, what message are we giving to those who are receiving this kind of diluted attention from us?

Getting Out Of Your Head

Mindful listening is a learned skill.

We need to ‘drop the narration’ going on in our heads to be present.

We can get in our own way with the narrative in our heads:

● Critiquing what they are saying by judging

● Thinking what we want to say to respond

● Inner ramblings about the issue, which hold ourselves in the past of what was, instead of what is being said, now!

Be present and focus on what the other person is saying and not saying. What I mean by that is, you are listening and paying attention to the emotion behind their words and being curious and empathic for what is going on for them!

A great framework to help you is an acronym known as "A T T U N E"

Awareness of the other’s emotions: Their tone, pace, energy and manner will give you signals that perhaps underneath their words are uncomfortable emotions.

Turning towards their emotion: No criticisms, as this only leads to defensiveness. Under a complaint there’s often a wish and positive needs. Hold a safe space so they feel safe to share.

Tolerate all their emotions: Tolerance of their point of view, show respect and curiosity to understand, remember you're on the same team. There are always two valid points of view based on the meaning and importance it has for us.

Understand their emotions: Ask sincere and curious questions to seek clarification and show you care. For example, “Please help me understand what has upset you so much?” “What’s going on for you? I’m here for you!” “Tell me what this means to you” “I can tell this is important to you, help me understand.”

Non-defensive listening: Even though you may feel it's a criticism or complaint, listen to them calmly without defending yourself. Don’t let the narrative in your head get in the way of completely hearing what they need to say. If you are getting stressed from the conversation, learn to self-soothe. Breathe and slow the conversation down.

Empathy: respond with care. Be engaged and present for them. Show that you are empathising with their point of view or experience.

Using ATTUNE doesn’t mean you have to agree with their point of view, however it greatly enhances the opportunity for deeper awareness of your partner’s issue.

Mindful listening enables you to speak with awareness, choosing your words mindfully and avoiding making your partner feel cornered or defensive.

When there is curiosity and no judgement, we are more likely to speak openly and not feel the need to be reserved in explaining ourselves. When we feel safe to express our concerns and the feelings we have, trust is built and emotional intimacy can be a 2 way street. Isn’t that what we want to support in our relationships?

When we feel heard and our feelings are validated, we feel seen and understood. Isn't that what we want to experience within our relationships?

So learning to listen and communicate effectively becomes a win-win for everyone

Read more from Amanda - Changing our negative thinking in our relationships – Zing Wellbeing

About Amanda Bennallack- Relationship Coach

Amanda is a Relationship Educator and coach, providing world class research and practices to support couples creating the relationship their love deserves.