Changing our negative thinking in our relationships

We had the most AMAZING session in our Zing Wellbeing members only group with our Relationship Educator and Coach, Amanda, from Retune Life. 

Join now so you can gain access to our next session with Amanda. You won't be disappointed!

Changing our negative thinking 

Exploring our negative thoughts – exploring implies curiosity. And that’s what I want you to do – bring loads of curiosity to this conversation.

Curiosity - it’s a tool to stay out of judgement. We’re not saying ‘What’s wrong with me?’ It’s “What’s going on for me”, it’s where we’re kinder, a more welcoming way to understand ourselves – coming home and connecting with self.

There is so much power in having a strong relationship with ourselves, we’re always going to react or respond to what is going on around us.

● It’s knowing what our sore points are, what ‘triggers’ our insecurities, Emotions don’t care about facts, having awareness of our emotional source

● Who we’re trying to be

● Who we are becoming that will give us more choice

● How we are ‘relating’ to others, relating to our external world

● What we’re experiencing and feeling is directed from our internal word

● Our internal narrative can either break us or make us

So, where do we begin, let’s go to the beginning so it helps you understand how we become who we believe we are!

When we’re born, we’re a clean slate, where our main caregivers get to write on that slate, influencing us and moulding us! Our core needs as a baby are safety, care, food and connection, it’s primal.

We have 2 instinctual fears, and that is loud noises, so we know it could be dangerous, so knowing when to hide, run, protect. The other is the fear of falling, hence the reflex of a baby's grip when they are held and they sense they may fall. This is the programming of our ‘reptilian brain,’ the closest part of our brain to our neck and spinal cord. This sends messages to our body to flight, freeze or fight.

The other fears and our insecurities, we learn from our experiences with our main caregivers and life's journey. An example of a learned fear, would be a fear of dogs, and even extremes like phobias are learned. These are sensory shocks to our system at an incredibly young age.

As babies we are reading the expressions on faces, there may have been a caregiver who responded to a situation, with an energy that was alerted to a perceived danger, or a sudden surprise, to which the baby creates a neurological pathway in their brain, the pathway of which will be to our reptilian brain to ‘fire off an alarm’ when that happens again.

Many people cannot explain why they have a particular phobia, it ‘just is’ for them and they can’t imagine it being any other way!

Our thinking, our beliefs, values, standards, attitudes are an accumulation of what we learnt from our caregivers, family cultural norms and societal rules, what is acceptable and also, the meaning we put to our experiences, all this creates a library of resources that we tap into to make sense of our ‘present’ life that we are experiencing.

We’re telling ourselves stories all day long, humans are meaning making machines, and sometimes it can feel like a gift or a curse.

Our insecurities come from our needs not being met when we were young and we created an ‘opinion’ about ourselves and how ‘worthy’ we are. How our needs were met or not met when we were very young contributes to how we perceive ourselves as lovable and others around us.

We develop our self-worth from our experiences and the messages from our caregivers; we are developing our ‘I-am-ness’:

● I have self-worth: I have worth, not based on what I do or do for others, but because I have worth as a human being

● I am loveable for who I am: the dark side, the joyful side, the challenged side—it’s all loveable!

● I am enough: a sense of centredness - I’ll be okay, I can handle it!

● Reciprocity: I’m loving, caring, and respectful

Our primal, universal needs are the source from which our self-esteem is developed. Dr David Richo established The 5 ‘A’s Model. These needs must be met as part of our early human emotional development:

● Attention, vitally important when we’re babies—safety, being fed, changed, held—so we can trust the world. The opposite is being ignored.

● Affection, physical, warm, caring touch, cuddled as a toddler. The opposite is not being held, cuddled or soothed, but held at a distance. In our adult life, displays of affection include touch and talking intimately. It can be confused with foreplay and sex.

● Acceptance, as we are, rather than being ‘formed’ into someone we ‘should’ be. Was our personality given hospitality in the home? Were we tolerated (which can lead to feeling ashamed of who we are) instead of ‘holding space’? The opposite is feeling rejected and judged for who we are.

● Appreciation, we were acknowledged for our place in the family and what we did. The opposite is being taken for granted, and our efforts minimised.

● Allowing, given the space and freedom to express ourselves and explore our world and capabilities. The opposite is feeling controlled, manipulated, and lack of privacy.

These needs were fulfilled or Not by our main caregivers.

I would like to address something that is very important to understand and that is, No two people share THE EXACT SAME REALITY, so why do we expect people to understand and see things in the exact same way as we do?

It doesn’t make sense. If my reality is simply one of billions, why on earth would I think it’s the only one or the right one? Why would I expect someone to see what I see, if they don't have the same thinking as me?

We often think we are seeing and experiencing THE WAY THINGS ARE, when in actual fact what we see and understand is not the way things actually are, but merely a reflection of our state of mind in any given moment.

Living in the moment is influenced by our past. What we perceive is created in our mind and what we perceive becomes our reality!

This connects to how we create our struggles.

Which is why one of the things I teach my clients is this: we are not reacting to the world, the way the world is. It’s the world that is reacting to the way we are.

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. - NO EXCEPTIONS

Have you ever wondered where your ‘shoulds’ came from?

SHOULDS are staked with rules, expectations, judgements, your opinion of how or what something or someone needs to be. How ‘things’ need to be, is based on what is your ‘normal’ and helps you feel comfortable in your world.

Our ‘shoulds’ are worthy of exploration on their own. Are they yours or did you adopt them and from whom? Do your ‘shoulds’ hold you back in any way from doing things differently, trying new things, taking risks? Sometimes when they're not your ‘shoulds’ you are living someone else's life!

So, let’s explore our thinking and how it’s structured to create how we are relating in our world, the world according to us!

Cognitive Distortions - we all have them. They're our blind spots, and before you say “I don’t have any blind spots”, that’s why they’re called blind spots.

Self-talk is an internal dialogue we have, often about our situation, abilities, happiness, and self-image. It can be so subtle and fleeting that we hardly register it. But when certain thoughts repeat day after day, they can influence the choices we make in careers, relationships, and self-care. If our self-talk is destructive, the negativity can have far-reaching consequences on our well-being.

Often, self-esteem issues are rooted in harmful self-talk. Negative thoughts are known as cognitive distortions, that is, mental filtering focused on negative aspects of events and ignoring the positive aspects. A cognitive distortion is a thought that causes a person to perceive reality inaccurately due to being exaggerated or irrational. Our Cognitive Distortions, our way of thinking, influences how we interpret our experiences and thus perceive our world.

~ Our Perception Becomes Our Reality!

Everyone has some cognitive distortions - they’re a normal part of being human. However, when cognitive distortions are too frequent, rigid, or extreme, they can be harmful.

Our thoughts include the ideas, opinions, beliefs, and attitudes we have about ourselves and the world around us. These thoughts influence how we interpret our experiences, for better or worse. These interpretations are our perceptions, or what we think is happening.

The more we bear witness to our thoughts, we give ourselves the opportunity to realise, ‘We are not our thoughts!’

Therefore: We can explore where our beliefs and opinions came from.

● What evidence do we have that they are true? (there are a billion human lens in the world)

● Do they serve us well to experience the life we want to experience?

● What thoughts and beliefs are we allowing to hurt us? (We create our own struggle)

● What thoughts and beliefs do we want to change?

Therefore we do have a choice!  

Here are the types of Cognitive Distortions that create how we experience life

Blame: You focus on the other person as the source of negative feelings and refuse to take responsibility for changing yourself.

Example: She’s to blame for the way I feel.” “my parents caused all my problems.” “My teacher is the reason I’m not doing well.”

Personalising: Holding oneself accountable for things outside one’s control. You attribute most of the blame to yourself for negative events and fail to see certain situations are also caused by others.

Example: “My friends started fighting at my party. I’m a bad host.” “My relationship ended because I wasn't fun enough.” “It was my fault my group got a bad grade.”

Catastrophising: Imaging all the bad things which could happen in the future.

Example: “We had a terrible argument, that’s it, he’s going to leave me.” OR: You believe what might happen will be so awful and unbearable that you won’t be able to stand it.

Example: “It would be terrible if I failed.” “If I get a bad grade, I will never get into a good college.”

Judgement Focus: You view yourself, others, and events in terms of evaluations of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ or ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ rather than simply describing, accepting, or understanding.

Example: “I didn’t perform well.” “I tried it, and I just kept doing it wrong.” “Look how successful she is; I’m not that successful.”

Discounting Positives: Refusing to believe successes or compliments are earned.

Example: “My boss doesn’t really think I’m smart. They’re just saying it to be nice.” OR: You claim that the positives that you or others have don’t matter.

Example: “That’s what I’m supposed to do, so it doesn’t count.” “Those successes were easy, so they don’t matter.”

Overgeneralising: Interpreting one event as having excessively large consequences. A single negative event symbolises the whole.

Example: “I fail all the time.” “I'm the worst partner; no one will ever love me.” “Online dating just will never work for me.” (after one bad date)

Polarisation: Interpreting events as all ‘good’ or all ‘bad’ - all-or-nothing. Example: “I flubbed my first line in the speech. I ruined the whole presentation.” All or Nothing, black or white, good or bad, success or failure. Uses ‘every’, ‘always’, ‘never’ language.

Example: “It was a total waste of time.” “I get rejected by everyone.” “Nothing ever goes my way.”

Shoulds, Oughts & Musts: Rigid views and rules on things and people. This leads to anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment and guilt, if the rules and views are not followed.

Example: “You should .....that’s the way it ‘s done right!” “You should know....” (by whose standards and expectations?) OR: You interpret events in terms of how things should be rather than simply focusing on what is. Example: “I should do well; if I don’t, I’m a failure.

Labelling: An extreme form of all-or-nothing and over-generalisation. Rather than focusing on a specific behaviour, you assign a general or highly emotive label to their character.

Example: “I’m disgusting.” “He’s horrible.” “She's irrelevant.”

Mind-reading: You assume you know what people are thinking without having evidence or proof of their thoughts. Example: “He thinks I’m an idiot.” “I’m not going to make the team.” OR: Assuming neutral interactions are signs of disapproval or dislike.

Example: “That couple laughed when I walked into the room. They’re making fun of me, I’m sure.” Jumping to conclusions, mind reading. You don’t like what you are wearing to a party and assume some people laughing, are laughing at you. Mind-reading is also called ‘Projection’.

When someone unconsciously attributes their thoughts, feelings, or behaviours to another person. How can you tell if you’re projecting?

When your fears or insecurities are provoked, it’s natural to occasionally begin projecting. If you think you might be projecting, the first step is to step away from the conflict. Time away will allow your defensiveness to fade so that you can think about the situation rationally.

Rehashing: Rehashing scenarios that have already happened, punishing oneself for past mistakes.

Example: “I can’t believe I told such a dumb joke last week. I’m so awkward.” OR: Regret Orientation: You focus on the idea that you could have done better in the past rather than what you can do better now.

Example: ‘I could have had a better job if I tried harder.” “I shouldn’t have said that.” “I always mess up.”

Emotional Reasoning: Assume our feelings reflect the fact, regardless of the evidence, even though we are not our emotions. “I feel it, therefore, it must be true” (leads to self-fulfilling prophecies.)

Example: ‘I feel sad, therefore I must be depressed.” “I feel anxious, therefore I must be in danger.”

Negative Filter: You focus almost exclusively on the negatives and seldom notice the positives.

Example: “Look at all the terrible things on the news.” “Girls never have anything nice to say.”

What-ifs: You keep asking a series of questions about what if something happens and fail to be satisfied with any of the answers.

Example: “Yeah, but what if I get anxious and I can’t breathe?”

Inability to disconfirm: You reject any evidence or arguments that might contradict your negative thoughts.

Example: “I’m unlovable. My friends hang out with me only because they must feel sorry for me.” “I’m a bad person. I only help others because it makes me feel better about myself.”

Unfair Comparisons: You interpret events in terms of standards that are unrealistic.

Example: “Others did better than I did on the test.” “People my age are more successful than I am.”

Learning to challenge your ‘cognitive distortions’

By learning to question your own thoughts you can correct many of these cognitive distortions. You may have recognised some of these cognitive distortions in yourself. Think about which distortions might be the most common for you and pick one to walk through.

Use a journal and use the following prompts on the next page to work through your thoughts. Also include these questions in this exercise process.

For each cognitive distortion you recognise in yourself consider the following:

● What emotions arise when I believe that thought?

● What images of past and future do I see when I believe the thought?

● History: where this belief came from. Is it yours or an adopted belief? Who said it was so?

● How do I treat myself and others when I believe the thought?

● Who or what am I without the thought?

NOTE: Projection is more common than you realise - It’s an unconscious behaviour! It’s a cognitive distortion.

How does projection affect romantic relationships?

A common source of projection in romantic relationships emerges when unconscious feelings toward a parent are projected onto the person’s partner. If the partner then identifies with and expresses the feelings projected onto them, projective identification is at play.

Signs of projective identification in a relationship include having the same fight over and over again, feeling upset with your partner but not knowing why, and confusion about your reaction or your partner’s reaction to a situation.

Couples can overcome projective identification by recognising it, slowing down in conflicts, and checking to make sure that they understand each other correctly. 

Then you can:

1) Describe the conflict in objective terms

2) Describe the actions that you took and the assumptions you made

3) Describe the actions the other person took and the assumptions they made in order.

These questions can help you explore whether and why you may have been projecting.

What are you willing to do to create the change you want?

Now that you have more clarity about the kinds of stories you create in your relationships, let’s understand where you have the ability to create change.

Our worries, fears, and concerns generally fall into three categories:

● things we can control,

● things we can influence

● things we can’t control

Note where your stories fall within these categories.

Considering how you completed the categories, reflect on the following questions:

● Which area do most of your concerns or stories fall into?

● How can you influence these issues in a constructive way?

● Are there any concerns outside of your control you’d like to let go of?

● Are your fears telling you the truth?

● Are there any fears or concerns that you can act on?

Challenging Assumptions

If you’re uncertain about someone’s thoughts or feelings, acknowledge that you don’t know. Even if you strongly believe your friend is upset but they haven’t told you so, recognise that you’re making an assumption. Understand that your fear is driving this assumption.

It’s easy to automatically assume others are judging you or are unhappy with you, but you often don’t have evidence for these thoughts. Overcoming people-pleasing requires recognising that mind reading—assuming you know what others think—is a cognitive distortion. We are usually poor at accurately reading others’ minds, even those we know well.

Practising Objective Thinking

To break the habit of automatic, distorted thinking, label your thoughts as true or distorted. Distorted thoughts are stories we create about situations without evidence.

Recognising a thought as distorted reduces its power and makes it easier to manage. Focus on what is truly happening and set aside distorted thoughts.

● What’s the reality? (our perspective becomes our reality!)

● What’s the truth?

Self-reflection involves objectively considering events and being truthful with yourself based on your own standards, not others’.

Building Self-Reflection

Skills To strengthen your self-reflection skills, try this journaling exercise:

● Write down what happened.

● Identify at least three emotional reactions you had (one-word answers).

● List all the thoughts you had (sentences).

● Ask yourself, “What is the truth?” and write down these rational thoughts.

● Reflect on what you’ve learned and consider what you could do differently next time.

By embracing self-reflection, you can move past overthinking and people-pleasing, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships with yourself and others.

Self-Reflection Worksheet

Use this self-reflection worksheet to reflect on upsetting situations or interaction so you can:

● reframe your thoughts

● be intentional with the meaning you give it (not just react and assume)

● learn how you could handle things better in the future

When considering the truth, be careful not to engage in ‘should’ statements, mind reading, or blaming.

Questions to ask based on a situation or interaction:

● What happened?

● How did I feel about it?

● What did I think about it?

● What is true about me, the situation, and the other person?

● What did I learn about myself?

● What did I learn about the other person?

● What could I do differently next time?

Example of a situation unpack:

● What happened? We had guests over and my partner didn’t help out much. I was exhausted from doing all the things and he just had fun and acted like he was a guest.

● How did I feel about it? Resentful, exhausted, angry, anxious, worried

● What did I think about it? He should have helped me out. He should have been able to see what was happening and take some initiative. What if I wasn’t a good host? What if people didn’t have a good time?

● What is true about me, the situation, and the other person? I didn’t ask him to help me out. I tend to be controlling about how things are done, which is why he probably didn’t take the initiative. People told me they had a good time, but since I was so tired, I probably wasn’t as engaged as I could have been.

● What did I learn about myself? When I am anxious or worried I tend to be controlling. This exhausts me because other people can’t help without me getting more anxious. I could be a better host if I delegated tasks.

● What did I learn about the other person? My partner doesn’t like to upset me, but I know if I ask for his help, he will jump right in. I also know that I need to ask for his help because he can’t read my mind.

● What could I do differently next time? Next time we have a party, I will talk with him ahead of time about what I would like him to do during the party to help me out.

About Amanda Bennallack- Relationship Coach

Amanda is a Relationship Educator and coach, providing world class research and practices to support couples creating the relationship their love deserves.