Understanding and Flowing with Your Emotions

Beck is one of our amazing Life Coaches and today she is talking to us about understanding and flowing with your emotions.

And you can have access to all our coaches and experts as part of our Zing Wellbeing membership.

Understanding and Flowing with Your Emotions

I’m currently studying a deeply enlightening course on Emotional and Somatic Intelligence, which has been a profound journey of self-discovery and growth.

Some of what I’ve learned has truly transformed my understanding of emotions and how to manage them. I study these insights not only for my own personal experience but also to support my clients on a deeper level. I’m excited to share these key learnings with you, hoping they will resonate with you and enrich your own journey."

Growing Confidence and Emotional Strength

I believe we often get stuck because we cling tightly to things, but to understand this habit, we need to recognise who is doing the holding.

Imagine yourself as the sky, and your thoughts, emotions, and sensations as clouds drifting by. Just as the sky is vast and unchanging, your true self is like that sky, always present, observing everything but not affected by it. You’re not the clouds; you’re the sky that watches them come and go. You’re not your thoughts or feelings; you’re the awareness behind them.

This core awareness is the real you, always steady, regardless of what passes through your mind and body.

Every moment presents a choice in how we react to our emotions. We can choose to ignore them through habits like emotional eating, shopping, drinking, mindless scrolling, or staying overly busy.

Alternatively, we might try to suppress them by tightening up, holding our breath, or keeping them at bay. However, the more challenging, and ultimately rewarding, path is to fully experience and allow our emotions to flow through us. Though this approach may seem daunting, it leads to deeper emotional strength and greater confidence.

Understanding Emotional Waves

Have you ever noticed how emotions can linger even after their initial intensity has passed? Here’s a simple explanation: When we experience an emotion, our body releases a rush of hormones and neurotransmitters, like adrenaline and cortisol, which are involved in the fight-or-flight response. This intense chemical reaction, known as the "chemical dump," typically lasts about 90 seconds. After this period, the initial emotional response should naturally fade.

However, if we continue to dwell on the situation or our feelings, our thoughts can reactivate the same biochemical responses. This creates an emotional loop, where our thoughts perpetuate the feeling, much like waves crashing on the shore. Initially powerful and overwhelming, these waves eventually recede, leaving behind a calmer sea.

In my personal journey and through observing my children, I've noticed a profound pattern in how we manage intense emotions. When my kids are upset, telling them to "calm down" often feels like trying to silence a storm with words alone, rarely effective and sometimes frustrating. Instead, I’ve found that introducing a physical break, such as stepping outside for fresh air or bouncing on the trampoline, creates a powerful shift. This simple act of changing their environment offers a reset for both their body and mind.

This approach mirrors the natural process of letting waves subside. Just as the ocean's waves naturally rise and fall, our emotions have a natural rhythm and intensity. When we allow ourselves a break from the intensity, through movement, fresh air, or a change of scene, we're essentially giving ourselves space to ride out the emotional wave. This interruption helps to prevent the wave from crashing repeatedly, allowing the emotional intensity to dissipate more smoothly.

In these moments, both my children and I experience a shift in our emotional state. The fresh perspective and physical activity help us to detach from the immediate overwhelm and reframe our feelings.

By creating this space, we’re not ignoring the emotion but rather allowing it to pass through and settle. This practice fosters emotional resilience and offers a more mindful approach to handling stress, highlighting the importance of acknowledging and gently guiding ourselves through the ebb and flow of our emotions.

The 8 Unpleasant Feelings

Dr. Rosenberg identifies eight unpleasant feelings that often arise in response to unmet needs or challenging situations. These feelings can hold people back, especially when they struggle to effectively address and manage them. Understanding these emotions and learning how to deal with them can be crucial in overcoming personal barriers and fostering growth.

1. Sadness: Sorrow or disappointment from loss or unmet needs for connection or achievement.
2. Shame: Feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness.
3. Helplessness: A sense of being unable to change a situation or control outcomes.
4. Anger: Frustration or irritation when needs or expectations aren’t met.
5. Vulnerability: Feeling exposed or at risk of being hurt, emotionally or physically.
6. Embarrassment: Discomfort or self-consciousness in social situations.
7. Disappointment: A sense of dissatisfaction when expectations or hopes are not fulfilled.
8. Frustration: Annoyance or irritation when facing obstacles or difficulties.

Understanding these feelings helps in identifying and addressing the underlying needs they signal, allowing for healthier emotional processing and greater overall well-being.

Why We Avoid Emotions

Feeling stuck and overwhelmed often boils down to avoiding our emotions. Let’s explore why this avoidance happens and how you can start addressing it.

1. Fear of Intensity
   Emotions can be incredibly intense, and facing them head-on might seem too overwhelming. Think of emotions like a powerful storm, if you’ve ever been caught in one, you know it can feel unmanageable. This fear of intensity can make us want to avoid dealing with our feelings altogether, opting for distractions instead. For example, if you’re feeling sad, the idea of fully experiencing that sadness might be too much, so you might turn to activities like binge-watching TV to escape.
2. Fear of Vulnerability
   Showing your true emotions can make you feel exposed and vulnerable. Many worry that expressing feelings will make them seem weak or incapable. Imagine vulnerability as being like standing on a tightrope without a safety net. The fear of falling, or being judged, can make you hesitant to take that step. However, embracing vulnerability can actually strengthen connections with others and foster deeper relationships.
3. Lack of Awareness
   Sometimes, we simply don’t know what we’re feeling or why. This lack of clarity can make it easier to ignore emotions rather than trying to understand them. It’s like trying to identify a song playing in the background without knowing the lyrics or melody. Without a clear understanding of your emotions, you might avoid them, leading to a cycle of confusion and stress.
4. Cultural Norms
   Society often encourages us to "push through" and maintain a strong facade, which can discourage us from acknowledging our emotions. Cultural norms might tell you to keep your head down and not show weakness. This societal pressure can make it feel wrong to focus on your feelings, even though addressing them is crucial for personal growth.
5. Habitual Distraction
   We often use distractions to avoid facing our emotions. This can include scrolling through social media, shopping, or overworking. These distractions act as temporary fixes, much like using a bandage to cover a wound without treating the underlying issue. While distractions might provide short-term relief, they don’t address the root of the problem and can prevent you from processing your emotions effectively.
6. Avoidance of Pain
   Facing emotions can sometimes mean confronting past traumas or painful experiences. This avoidance is a natural response to not wanting to relive those hurts. However, confronting and working through these feelings can lead to significant healing and personal growth. It’s like avoiding a thorn in your side; the longer you avoid it, the more discomfort it causes. Addressing it head-on will lead to relief.
7. Self-Criticism
   We often criticise ourselves for having emotions, thinking that they are unworthy of attention or that we should be able to handle them better. This self-criticism can compound feelings of inadequacy, making it harder to face our emotions. Recognise that your feelings are valid and deserve compassion and understanding, just as you would offer to a friend.
8. Fear of Change
   Acknowledging your emotions can lead to change, and change can be daunting. The thought of altering your habits, relationships, or routines can be intimidating. Yet, embracing and processing your emotions is often the first step towards positive change. It’s like stepping out of your comfort zone; it’s uncomfortable at first, but it can lead to growth and new opportunities.
9. Perceived Lack of Control
   Emotions can sometimes feel uncontrollable, leading to a perception that they’re too chaotic to manage. This feeling of being overwhelmed can make you avoid dealing with emotions altogether. By learning to observe and manage your feelings, you can regain a sense of control and reduce the emotional chaos.
10. Past Experiences
    If expressing emotions has led to negative outcomes in the past, you might be hesitant to do it again. Perhaps you’ve been judged or dismissed before, making you wary of showing your feelings. Each moment is a new opportunity to approach your emotions differently, with more insight and understanding.

Moving Past Avoidance

Understanding why you avoid your emotions is crucial for addressing them more effectively. By identifying these barriers, you can begin to face your feelings in a healthier way, leading to greater resilience and well-being.

To move beyond avoidance, make a conscious choice to be present with your emotions. Picture your emotions as waves in the ocean:

Be Present with the Waves: Just like you would observe ocean waves, acknowledge your emotions without judgement. Notice them as they rise and fall.

Shift Your Language: Adjust how you talk about your feelings. Replace “I can’t handle this” with “I’m experiencing this feeling, and it’s okay.” This helps shift your mindset from avoidance to acceptance.

Allow the Waves to Pass: Recognise that emotions, like waves, have a natural cycle. They may feel intense initially but will eventually lose their strength and drift away.

Practice Mindful Awareness: Observe your emotions with mindful awareness. Allow them to ebb and flow without getting overwhelmed or carried away by them.

Create Calm: Once the emotional wave has passed, engage in calming activities like deep breathing, journaling, or a soothing walk. These practices help you reset and regain balance.

Embracing Your Emotional Waves

By integrating these steps into your daily routine, you’ll unlock profound benefits that can transform your emotional well-being and personal growth:

1. Feel Centred: Learning to ride the waves of your emotions helps you stay grounded and centred, even during turbulent times. This stability allows you to respond to challenges with clarity and calm, rather than reacting impulsively or being overwhelmed by emotional highs and lows.
2. Push Toward Goals: When you are not bogged down by unresolved emotional turmoil, you’ll find it easier to focus on and pursue your goals. Embracing your emotions frees up mental and emotional energy, empowering you to take proactive steps toward achieving your aspirations and pushing past obstacles.
3. Unlock Old Life Stories: Addressing and processing your emotions can help uncover and resolve past issues that have been holding you back. This process allows you to reframe old narratives and release limiting beliefs, leading to greater freedom and self-acceptance.
4. Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin: Embracing your emotions fosters a deeper understanding and acceptance of yourself. As you become more comfortable with your emotional experiences, you will feel more at ease with who you are, leading to increased self-confidence and a stronger sense of identity.

The Benefits in Action

1. Emotional Resilience: Developing the ability to manage and process your emotions effectively enhances your resilience. You’ll be better equipped to handle stress, recover from setbacks, and navigate life’s ups and downs with a more balanced perspective.
2. Enhanced Self-Awareness: By facing your emotions head-on, you gain valuable insights into your needs, triggers, and patterns. This heightened self-awareness enables you to make more informed decisions and create a life that aligns with your true values and desires.
3. Improved Relationships: When you are in tune with your emotions and comfortable expressing them, your relationships benefit. You’ll communicate more openly, empathise more deeply, and connect more authentically with others, leading to stronger and more fulfilling connections.
4. Increased Joy and Fulfilment: Embracing your emotional experiences, both positive and negative, allows you to fully engage with life. As you process and release old emotional baggage, you create space for new experiences, leading to a richer, more joyful existence.

By incorporating these steps into your routine, you’ll build resilience and develop a healthier relationship with your emotions.

Remember, it’s not about avoiding the waves but learning how to ride them gracefully and allowing them to pass naturally. By doing so, you’ll cultivate emotional resilience, gain deeper self-knowledge, and unlock a more fulfilling, centred life.