SELF-ADVOCACY tips from our Relationship expert
Our relationship expert, Amanda Bennallack, from REtune Life joined us for another amazing LIVE chat with our members this week teaching us all about self-advocacy and the importance of speaking up for ourselves.
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SELF-ADVOCACY tips from our Relationship expert
Self-advocacy to me is the capacity, the willingness, and the practice of showing up wholeheartedly for myself. Unfortunately, we are brought up to respond to other people’s needs before our own, this is especially the case for women.
Yet, this is how we lose our power and sense of ourselves, which is not good for our well-being or our capacity to be authentic in our relationships. What we seem to do, a bit too often, is abandon ourselves.
For example, when we begin to experience resentment, this is a sign we have abandoned ourselves, put others before us and did so with the expectation of gratitude and reciprocity that may or may not have been forthcoming.
Also, getting taken for granted and leaving us with feelings that our needs don’t matter becomes a pattern we created ourselves by not self-advocating.
The habits and patterns of abandoning ourselves are rooted in our childhood. When we were toddlers testing our edges and boundaries, we traded a scolding in for the love and acceptance from our parents and caregivers.
We became acceptance seeking machines for their love, simply as a primal survival mechanism. This unfortunately is a slippery slope where we begin the negotiation in our minds of how, by whom, when and if our needs are going to be met.
How do you know when you are self-abandoning when you have been doing it on auto pilot for so long?
SELF-ABANDONMENT:
• Not keeping your word to yourself, breaking your own promises to yourself
• Staying stuck in reactivity and not learning from it
• Staying stuck in flight, fight, freeze, or fawn reactivity
• Staying in sympathetic arousal and not learning how to feel safe within your own body
• Staying silent and building resentment
• Staying silent because you think eventually ‘they will see what they’ve done’
• Trying to understand someone else in the hope that it will help you get them to love you how you want to be loved
• Abandoning your values to accommodate them, their fears, their needs
• Doing something you don’t want to do, perhaps even repeatedly
• Hiding how you really feel because you don’t want to upset anyone
• Insisting you don’t need anything, and you are ‘low-maintenance’ when you do have needs
• Giving too much of your energy away to others in the hope they’ll finally give to you
• Settling for relationships that are one-sided based on you giving
• Non-reciprocity in adult relationships
• Feeling hurt and not saying anything because you know they will get defensive and critical of you, so what’s the point, but you stay
• Don’t trust yourself and try to learn how to
• Think others ‘have to’ do the right thing by you, but you’re not selective about who is in your life
• ‘Keep the peace’ at the expense of your own peace
• Let someone treat you with disrespect, disregard, or neglectfully
• Give up your dreams because you don’t have ‘support’
• Staying ‘small’ to not upset or activate someone else
• Distracting self from the hurt of this instead of facing it
• Pretending it’s not as bad as it is, instead of facing the truth of it
No one else’s needs are more important than our own and the art of a fair and workable compromise is about maturity and respect.
Breaking our patterns and empowering ourselves by taking care of our needs and voicing them is our pathway to healing and having a healthy self-esteem.
Sometimes we experience uncomfortable feelings, that’s part of the human experience.
Self-advocacy begins by learning to sit with whatever is happening inside of you, right here and now. Instead of running away from it, denying it, or distracting yourself to avoid it, take a moment to sit with it.
Feel what you’re feeling and give yourself the space to fully accept it. In doing so, you can reshape how you see yourself, honouring all parts of who you are.
Turn your attention inward and acknowledge what’s going on within you. It’s not just okay to make yourself a priority at this moment—it’s essential.
You deserve that care and attention.
SELF-ADVOCACY IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Healthy relationships encourage and support self-advocacy, making space for both partners to express their needs and feelings. In these relationships, when something matters to you, it matters to your partner too, but not in a way that requires them to take on your pain.
Instead, they offer support while remaining differentiated, understanding that they are there to walk alongside you, not to rescue you. Both people can rely on each other, communicating openly when they can or cannot do something—without hints, avoidance, or dishonesty.
Expression of self is welcomed, and when you express your feelings or needs in a healthy way (using “I feel” or “I need” statements without blaming), the other person’s reaction is theirs to manage.
You don't need to control or fix their reactivity, especially if you're not close to them. You can offer compassion, recognise their reaction as their own, and still attend to your feelings and needs without losing yourself in the process.
Staying present with yourself is key, even when others may become reactive.
Some individuals may struggle with self-regulation, but this doesn’t make them “bad” people—just human. If you’re close to someone, you can choose to stay with them during their reactive moments, offering comfort and reassurance.
It’s also okay for others to feel disappointment. Healthy relationships acknowledge that discomfort is part of growth, and both partners can hold space for each other through it.
SELF-ADVOCACY COMMUNICATION MEANS:
• Speaking directly, not indirectly
• Have clarity is stating what is going on for you
• No hints
• No indirect communication
• No hopes they will mind read
• No assumptions
• No ‘I will wait to see if it’s finally my turn’
• No innuendos
• No ignoring the problem – it’s dealt with directly and head on, together
• Being okay with stumbling as you speak up, you’re human and learning
You truly discover the depth of a relationship when you're able to openly express what you're feeling, what you need, and what's really going on for you.
Sometimes, we rely on indirect communication as a way to protect ourselves, because we worry the other person might not be able to handle the truth.
Fear of being alone or rejected can make us hold back, choosing to stay connected even if it means compromising our own needs.
When someone shares their truth with you, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable—and it’s okay for them to feel that way too.
Discomfort doesn’t mean we need to shut down the moment or avoid it. It’s simply part of navigating real, honest communication.
If you ever find yourself holding back your needs for comfort, security, or connection to maintain a relationship, ask yourself what you fear might happen if you spoke up.
Not everyone may be able to handle hearing and addressing your needs, and that’s okay. It’s important to recognise who can and who can’t and avoid wasting energy trying to change someone.
Instead, see them for who they are, honour their limits, and honour yourself in the process.
SELF-ADVOCACY AS A MUM:
Self-advocacy, as a mum, is about confidently standing up for your needs, values, and boundaries while juggling the many roles you play.
It’s recognising that you, too, deserve to be heard, supported, and valued—not just as a caregiver, but as an individual.
It means giving yourself permission to prioritise your well-being, even when others might not fully understand or approve.
As a mum, self-advocacy often looks like calmly and clearly communicating your needs—whether at work, in relationships, or even with your children—while modelling for them what it means to honour oneself.
It’s about trusting your instincts, speaking up when things don’t feel right, and setting boundaries that protect your emotional and mental health. And when life gets overwhelming, it’s allowing yourself the grace to ask for help, knowing that asking for support doesn’t make you any less strong or capable.
At its core, self-advocacy is about showing up for yourself with the same compassion and courage you give to your family and teaching your children by example how to navigate the world with self-respect and resilience.
WHAT SELF-ADVOCACY BRINGS TO YOUR FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIP:
Demonstrating self-advocacy is incredibly beneficial for both your relationship and your children because it promotes healthy communication, emotional well-being, and respect for personal boundaries.
When you advocate for yourself, you're modelling how to express needs and desires in a relationship, which fosters mutual understanding and deeper connection. In relationships, it reduces resentment, prevents misunderstandings, and creates space for both partners to thrive as individuals and as a team.
By standing up for your needs, you contribute to a healthier dynamic, where both partners feel heard and valued. For your children, showing self-advocacy teaches them a powerful lesson in self-worth and emotional intelligence. They learn that it's okay to speak up, set boundaries, and prioritise their well-being.
Kids absorb how we handle life, so when they see you advocating for yourself with kindness and respect, they internalise those skills for themselves.
It shows them that taking care of your own needs isn't selfish; it’s a form of self-respect that strengthens relationships.
By demonstrating self-advocacy, you’re raising children who will grow up to value themselves, communicate effectively, and maintain healthy relationships of their own.
About Amanda Bennallack - Relationship Coach
Amanda is a Relationship Educator and coach, providing world class research and practices to support couples creating the relationship their love deserves.
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