15 things they don't tell you about perimenopause and menopause symptoms
Navigating menopause symptoms can feel like a new chapter of mystery, surprises, and sometimes downright hilarity.
From hot flashes and mood swings to the more unexpected (hello, chin hairs!), menopause and perimenopause bring a wide array of symptoms that catch many women off guard.
If you've ever wondered why no one warned you about the random sweats, brain fog, or unpredictable emotional outbursts, you’re not alone!
Here are 15 funny yet oh-so-true things no one tells you about menopause and perimenopause that’ll have you laughing through the hot flashes and embracing this wild hormonal ride.
P.S you can also see our menopause program and meal plans in our membership
15 things no one tells you about the menopause
1) Your Thermostat Is Officially Broken
You’ll feel hotter than a furnace in July. You'll be stripping off layers faster than you can say, “Is it just me?” Spoiler: It’s not just you, but it is your hormones.
2) Mood Swings are the New Cardio
Emotional rollercoasters count as cardio now. You can go from calm to crying to rage-tornado faster than a kid who just dropped their ice cream cone.
3) Night Sweats: The Unwanted Spa Treatment
Forget sheet masks. The “glow” you’ll have from night sweats is 100% free of charge. No need to book a steam room; just go to bed!
4) Brain Fog: AKA ‘Where Did I Leave My Brain?’
You’ll suddenly forget why you walked into a room, what you were looking for, and sometimes, what day it is. Menopause is like Mother Nature’s way of reminding you to slow down… because you forgot your keys again.
5) Your Hair Has Its Own Agenda
On your head? Thinning. In other places? Growing strong. You may start calling your tweezers “Excalibur” for the never-ending battle of stray chin hairs.
6) Your Bladder Decides to Test Its Limits
Laughing, sneezing, or coughing? A ticking time bomb. Don’t trust a sneeze unless you’ve got a bathroom within sprinting distance.
7) Food: Best Friend and Worst Enemy
That slice of pizza you used to enjoy? Now it’s plotting revenge in the form of bloating, heartburn, or the dreaded “menopause middle.” Oh, metabolism, where art thou?
8) Bones Suddenly Require a VIP Pass
Calcium and Vitamin D become essential, like that bouncer checking your ID. If they don’t see “calcium” on the guest list, your bones might just refuse to support your dance moves.
9) Your Skin Has Never Been So Sensitive
You thought teenage acne was a thing of the past? Think again. Menopause is here to remind you that pimples and wrinkles can coexist in harmony.
10) Sleep is a Fantasy
You'll lie awake wondering if you remembered to turn off the coffee maker. Either you’re up every hour or you’re stuck in some weird half-sleep loop where you’re not really asleep, but dreaming about getting a good night’s sleep.
11) Everything Makes You Cry
Commercials, baby animals, happy endings in movies, sometimes even just because you have to fold laundry. It’s like puberty, but now you’re old enough to understand the depth of life’s disappointments.
12) You Might Feel Like Sherlock Holmes... with Bad Evidence
Sudden paranoia about everything and everyone becomes the norm. “Did that cashier give me a funny look? Is my partner actually trying to annoy me with their chewing? Is it all a conspiracy?”
13) Your Fashion Choices Get Wild
Forget style guides – it’s all about ventilation and comfort now. Elastic waistbands, flowy fabrics, and “the fewer layers, the better” become fashion commandments.
14) Random Pains Make Guest Appearances
Welcome to the Menopause Lottery: back pain, knee pain, phantom ankle pain – no body part is off-limits. Each day is a surprise.
15) You Will Surprise Yourself
Despite the challenges, you’ll realize you’re a warrior. You’ve survived hot flashes, mood swings, and even chin hair rebellions. Menopause won’t break you, but it will give you a fresh appreciation for wine, friends who understand, and the power of humor.
Need meal plans designed for menopause - check out our program here
